«Ich han bis am zwei gchrampft. De Reto hät's am Mäntig als Teamleistig verchauft.» Germans and Austrians get the words. Only insiders get all of them. That gap is the point.
Every entry comes with a sentence you can use on Monday, a pronunciation note for our neighbours to the north and east, and a link you can drop into the team chat. Nobody will ask what it means. They'll be too embarrassed.
The actual work. Rarely mentioned in meetings.
«Am Mäntig hämmer d'Büez verteilt. Uf mich.»
On Monday we split up the work. Onto me.
The üe is one sound: ü sliding into a short e. Not ‹Büz›, not ‹Bü-ez›.
The man who does the Büez. You.
«Er isch kei Manager. Er isch en Büezer. Drum lauft's.»
He's not a manager. He's a Büezer. That's why it works.
Same üe as in Büez. The -er stays short and flat. No drama, like the man.
A paper-pusher. Bends easily. Never breaks a sweat.
«De Bürogummi seit, für das bruchsch zerscht es Formular. Für s'Formular bruchsch en Termin.»
The paper-pusher says you need a form for that first. For the form you need an appointment.
Stress the Bü, the way every Swiss says Büro. Gummi is rubber: it bends, it never snaps, it never sweats.
To work like a horse. What you do while others "circle back."
«Ich han bis am zwei gchrampft. De Reto hät's am Mäntig als Teamleistig verchauft.»
I worked until two. On Monday, Reto sold it as a team effort.
Start with the ch from ‹Bach›, not a K. It's your ‹krampfen›, with the throat switched on.
Total chaos. Also known as the shared drive.
«Ufem Gruppelaufwerk isch es Chrüsimüsi: ‹Diverses›, ‹Diverses alt›, ‹Diverses NEU›.»
The shared drive is a total mess: “Misc”, “Misc old”, “Misc NEW”.
Two rhyming halves, both with ü, and the ch from ‹Bach› up front. Say it fast. Chaos doesn't wait.
Quitting time. For the others.
«Am vieri händ alli Feierabig. Usser eine.»
At four, everybody clocks off. Except one.
Your ‹Feierabend› with the -end swapped for -ig. In Zürich you'll also hear Fiirabig. Either way, it's for the others.
Talk with no output. See: Sitzig.
«Zwei Stund Gschwätz, null Entscheid.»
Two hours of talk, zero decisions.
Drop the e from ‹Geschwätz›, so the G almost turns into a K. Swabians already say it like this.
Botched work. Usually someone else's. Usually yours to fix.
«Wer hät dä Pfusch gmacht? Egal. Ich flick en.»
Who did this botch job? Doesn't matter. I'll fix it.
Same word as yours. In Vienna it can also mean an off-the-books job. In Zürich it only means bad work. Both end up on your desk.
On-call duty. Somehow it's always your week.
«Wer hät Pikett? Rat emal.»
Who's on call? Take a guess.
Stress on the second syllable, like the French ‹piquet› it came from. Comes with a phone that rings at 02:13.
One who does it himself. Our only customer.
«Sälbermacher fröged nöd, wer zueständig isch. Sie mached's.»
Sälbermacher don't ask who's responsible. They do it.
The ä is wide open, close to the a in English ‹cat›. The ch is from ‹Bach›. Say it quietly. He doesn't need to be loud.
To run your mouth. Popular in middle management.
«De Beat schnurrt. D'Rächnig chunnt glich.»
Beat talks. The invoice arrives anyway.
Not the cat. A purring cat is more productive. Roll the r if you can.
A meeting. Where Büez goes to die.
«D'Sitzig zur Vorbereitig vo de Sitzig isch verschobe.»
The meeting to prepare the meeting has been postponed.
The Swiss swap -ung for -ig: Sitzig, Rächnig, Abstimmig. Fewer letters, same outcome.
To screw something up. He verbockt it, you fix it.
«Er hät's verbockt, ich han's gflickt, er hät's präsentiert.»
He screwed it up, I fixed it, he presented it.
Your ‹verbocken› minus the n. The Swiss drop it to save time for the fixing.
The 9 o'clock snack. You eat yours standing at the rack.
«Znüni am Rack. Zmittag im Auto. Zvieri? Was isch das.»
Snack at the rack. Lunch in the car. Afternoon break? Never heard of it.
Z plus nüni: ‹zu neun›, the nine o'clock break. Say ‹tsnü-ni›. Its colleagues are Zmittag, Zvieri and Znacht.
Schwiizerdütsch changes every 20 kilometres. If your valley says it differently, your valley is right. Tell us.
Screenshot one, drop it in the team chat and watch who asks what Pikett means. Now you know who's never on call.
@chrampfe Sitzig (f.): a meeting. Where Büez goes to die.
Büezer-Lexikon · chrampfe.com/lexikon
@chrampfe Pikett (n.): on-call duty. Somehow it's always your week.
Büezer-Lexikon · chrampfe.com/lexikon
@chrampfe Pfusch (m.): botched work. Usually someone else's. Usually yours to fix.
Büezer-Lexikon · chrampfe.com/lexikonSend it in. We'll check it with someone from the right valley. Then we'll add it ourselves.